With all this talk about Single’s Day and buying things on Taobao, countless numbers of lonely people are on their computers or phones looking for the best deals. In order to aid your holiday search, and in the spirit of 11.11, Hangzhou Plus has scoured deep into the darkest, grungiest corners of Taobao to bring you 11 of the strangest things you can actually buy on the online marketplace. After reading, you’ll want to know the answer to a few questions such as “Who buys this stuff?”, or “Wait, who the hell sells this stuff?”
Disclaimer: We are not responsible for any purchases you make after reading this article. However, if you do buy something listed here, send us pictures.
11. Paint Factory
In Taobao’s police auction section, you can find all kinds of stuff such as cars, offices, apartments, trademarks, and even a golden dragon ring. Now Bob Villa enthusiasts and paint sniffers alike can buy their own paint factory and get anything fixed all by themselves.
10. One Size Fits All Invisible Braces
According to the seller of these braces, for the low, low price of 39.90 RMB, you can correct “loneliness, low self-esteem, people laughing at you, bad accents, an ugly mouth, and even snoring” just by wearing these knock-off invisaligns for 12 hours a day, every day until a time that is never mentioned.
Other than looking like a football mouth guard, it’s hard to tell if the braces actually work because users can only leave follow-up reviews 3 months after they bought the product at the latest.
9. A Splatter Mask for Cooking
If you frequently cook using molten lava or just have really, really bad culinary skills, then this item is for you. The plastic welding mask is even able to fit over your glasses, so you can make tomato sauce or chili with the burner set to “boil” in full HD.
8. Enormous Teddy Bears
If half of a man wasn’t enough, you can buy a 1.8 meter tall teddy bear, which is taller than some grown-up men. However, whatever you do, please don’t stare directly into its cold, soulless, plotting eyes.
7. A Name for Your Baby
This one might not seem so strange at first – after all, baby names are hard to think of, and there are plenty of books and people on freelancer sites willing to help. But the sellers on Taobao have one-upped everyone. Specifically, this guy:
With a glorious beard like that, who could resist having their child’s name chosen by this guy. The introduction reveals his name as Master Zhou Yi, and says he is head of the “China National Name Bureau,” which has no results on Baidu. There are even special formulas used when choosing a name:
6. Helium Canisters
So maybe you’ve had enough fooling around and you want to fill up a bunch of weather balloons and tie them to a lawn chair so you can finally fly for free, or you have bought one of these puppies (18+) and are ready for a lighter experience, or you are sick and tired of being a baritone and sucking down some helium would let you move up a few octaves.
5. Pet Clothing
Your animals don’t hate you enough already? Here’s how to really put them over the edge: dress them in cute clothing. Cat ladies of the world rejoice as they can dress their little precious in one of these:
Dog owners are covered too. Now you can feel proud walking fluffy down the street in one of these:
4. Rent a …. to Help You ….
Rent a Guy
No. That’s just a stock photo. Below is one of many men you can rent on Taobao to chat with you:
If you are having trouble finding the man of your dreams, Taobao is there for prices as low as 1 RMB per hour! According to the item description, this man is able to: cheer you up from a bad mood, chat with you, send kissey pictures to you, and sing if your ears can take it. The bottom says he is currently “adding new features.”
Rent a Bridesmaid
Your wedding date is next week, but you have suddenly realized that you have no friends to be your bridesmaids. Taobao to the rescue! These professional “wedding crashers” come in two’s and promise to take selfies with you, accompany you to the mall, or cheer you up after you realize that you are paying 288 RMB for two friends to be with you for the day.
Rent a Girlfriend
3. Your Boyfriend’s Arm
Advancements in modern technology have allowed scientists to create something that completely eliminates the need for a boyfriend. Spend your Single’s Day night snuggling with Mr. Right’s disembodied arm as your pillow:
2. Living Things
Because there just aren’t enough of them crawling around in your house already, you need to go out of your way to buy things that want to kill you. You can choose from a number of types of spiders:
Do people realize that these are things that you have to be constantly watching? A scorpion is not like a normal toy that when you get bored with it after a few days, you can just chuck it into the closet. It is waiting for you to turn your back so it can feast on your innards.
Just don’t complain when the package shows up “empty” and you are left with the feeling that something is watching you. They are quietly building an army within your walls.
You can buy a goat on Taobao, shipped all the way from Shandong Province. Unfortunately, there have been some bad reviews for this one particular store for reasons we don’t want to share here.
You may have seen reports that genetically engineered mini-pigs are going to be sold in China. That’s because there is high demand for one of these cute little friends:
1. Used Panties
You knew this one was coming sooner or later. Amazingly, this is one of the only pairs of used underwear that could be found in Taobao’s secondhand marketplace. Usually when someone buys a secondhand item, they will do a bunch of research and ask the seller questions – used underwear are no exception:
Highlight questions include: “Have you worn it before?”, “Have any pictures of you wearing it?”, and a real knee-slapper – “Do you have pantyhose too?” The item description promises “Original flavor, never washed, sexy” panties for you.
Which item do you think is the strangest? Lets us know!
And this is just a short list of the many strange things buried within online marketplaces. Buyers and sellers are relatively anonymous, so you never know if those ‘girlfriends’ sitting across from you are real, or just a daily rental.
Think only Taobao is filled with weird stuff? Wrong! eBay is also filled with so many strange things that there is an entire site dedicated to listing these items.
And if you read Chinese, there are more strange things on Taobao to be found, such as a fund to establish a country for dolphins.Categories: Life, Stories